Today He Has Delivered Me

Often when I am up in the night rocking my wee ones, a word comes to me. It hangs over me, stirs up anger or despair, steals my hope, and follows me into the next day:

Impossible.

In these moments, I'm tempted to shake my fist at God for how hard this is. Because these years of mothering little ones have been years of joy, but also of loneliness, exhaustion, and longing.

Over the summer, I just felt raw. I was unusually emotional, and even little setbacks felt huge. I was losing my temper with my kids and struggling with anxiety in a way I hadn't in a long time.

I found myself complaining a lot when people asked how I was. Last night was rough. I am tired. I am burnt out.

I was being honest. I was being authentic.

I was being that mopey person no one wants to be around.

So I started reading the Psalms. And they are honest about how hard life is, but they talk a lot about who God is and how He hears us and how He delivers us. And as I read, I was reminded of the hundreds of ways he has delivered me when my strength was spent and my emotions gave way.

And then I read this:

I have told the glad news of deliverance in the great congregation; behold, I have not restrained my lips, as you know, O LORD.
I have not hidden your deliverance within my heart; I have spoken of your faithfulness and your salvation; I have not concealed your steadfast love and your faithfulness from the great congregation. (Psalm 40:9-10)

I was convicted, because although life is exhausting and difficult, God is ever faithful. And that is why honesty and authenticity are beautiful. I can say, "I'm struggling, and God is holding me up." That is his power made perfect in weakness. That puts praise on my lips and the lips of the saints, because it reminds us of God's character and his faithfulness to his people.

So I will say, today he has delivered me. Tomorrow, he will again. He is my help when this task feels impossible. He is strong, He is near, and He is good.