Searching for Joy

I am a big fan of John Piper. Or I guess I should say that his thoughts on joy and the glory of God have had a huge influence on me. For those of you who are unfamiliar with his writing, the core of what he teaches is that "God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in him." That is, God is ultimately most glorified when we enjoy him and delight in His person. It's a beautiful thing--what brings God the most glory also brings us the most joy. It is a very hopeful message.

But, at the same time, it has been a struggle for me. I have asked myself over the past several years, "If I am a believer and follower of Christ, and I have been regenerated by the Holy Spirit, how can I be so joyless? How can I be so numb in His presence?" I've been reading a book that asks the same questions, When I Don't Desire God: How to Fight for Joy. Piper puts it this way: "Christian Hedonism [the term he uses for the doctrine mentioned above] is both liberating and devastating...it is liberating because it endorses our inborn desire for joy. And it is devastating because it reveals that no one desires God with the passion that he demands."

Even more frustrating, joy is not something that we can force ourselves to have. God calls us to have it, to delight in him, but one cannot make the heart feel or want something. I have struggled and struggled. "Why is my heart so rebellious?"

I've often heard people say that spiritual discipline solves these problems. "Just create a habit of doing your quiet time--the feeling will come later." I've often become frustrated with this advice. It has merit, but in my experience, habit does not produce a change of heart. I get frustrated with myself for just going through the motions.

I am beginning to realize the problem with my thinking, though. First of all, no effort on my part can redirect my heart and affections toward God. Only God can do that. Piper uses an analogy from farming:

We are like farmers. They plow the field and plant the seed and cut away weeds and scare away crows, but they do not make the crop grow. God does. He sends rain and sunshine and brings to maturity the hidden life of the seed. We have our part. But it is not coercive or controlling. And there will be times when crops fail. Even then God has his ways of feeding the farmer and bringing him through the lean season.

God does. If I depend on my own effort I will always be disappointed. I cannot earn an intimate relationship with God. I can do all I can to cultivate my heart, and prepare it to receive the joy that God has for me, but I cannot make myself joyful.

Secondly, I have gone about the "habit" of quiet time with God incorrectly. One cannot passively read a chapter a day and expect to experience God and see his glory. It involves much more discipline and commitment than that. That is why Piper speaks of fighting for joy. It doesn't come easy, and to be honest, my heart is some weedy, thorny, infertile ground.

One thing I've been doing lately is memorizing scripture. I'm ashamed to say I've not done much of that since I went to private school in junior high. I don't think I've seen the importance of it. I am beginning to.

I'm a fairly busy person at the moment. I have a two and half month old baby. What time I do have to myself is taken up by personal grooming and eating. When I memorize scripture, I can meditate on it and think about God when I am brushing my teeth, cooking dinner, changing a diaper, or soothing an infant. It lifts my thoughts from the mundane to the divine.

It's a long journey. I have not arrived. But I am beginning to feel my heart come to life again. Thanks be to God.