The Gospel for Me

Do you ever feel like a screw-up? I do.

People tell me that I'm too hard on myself. I don't think I am. I am actually pretty sure that I am a screw-up. Things I hate about myself: I forget birthdays until they are upon me and forget to send cards. I procrastinate about everything. I fail to keep up with friends, even people I love a lot. I get angry/annoyed with my kids. I fail to serve them as I should. I care too much about what other people think of me, and not enough about what God thinks of me.

This is the short list. I've been reading Edward Welch's When People are Big and God is Small, and after the first two chapters, am pretty sure I'm going to need to spend the rest of my life in therapy. Problem is, these are all very real issues in my life that I need to repent of. It doesn't help to say, "Buck up! You're not that bad!" Why does sanctification have to be such a long and painful process?

Sometimes it all wells up and rears its ugly head. I try to pull myself up by my bootstraps and I do better for a while, then I fail again. And my sin starts to feel like it's shackled to me. Like it's going to own me for the rest of my life. Like I'm beyond hope. Beyond grace.

So I've been trying to preach the gospel to myself and let other people preach the gospel to me. The gospel that says I am a justified sinner, a royal screw up, loved by God, counted righteous by the blood of the Lamb who was slain. The gospel that says I am still loved by God even when I fail. That I can't earn his affection for me. That I am a beloved daughter. The gospel that says I am a new creation. That he's not finished with me, that by God's grace I don't have to stay shackled to my sin.

Am I the only one that finds this hard to believe? Too good to be true?

I struggle to find the right balance. I'm not okay. Neither is anyone. We are, all of us, screw-ups. But it's not okay to stay that way. Yes, I should accept God's grace, but should that be license to sin? By no means! Yes, I should try to do better, but does that mean I can earn God's favor? By no means!

So where does that leave me? How do I break out of the cycle of despair? As far as I can tell it comes down to repentance, to looking to Jesus for grace, and to living in response to his love (by the power of the Spirit, not my own power). The gospel meets us where we are and takes us to where we should be by the Spirit. In the gospel, we are forgiven by the Father we have sinned against and freed from the sin that keeps us bound up and broken. Praise be to God. The hard part is truly believing it.