It's been a particularly hard year for our little family. I've mentioned it before. Daniel spent 5 of 9 weeks in India this summer. Even aside from the travel, work's been hard for him. We have two little kids, and are about to have three. And at times, my heart aches for the people we love best. They are the same people who love us best. I want to be able to see my family without driving for two days. I want them to come over and play with our kids when they feel like it. I want to do community with the many people that we love that are scattered all over this country. I want to not feel so alone in all this. We love Chicago, love our church, really love the life God has given us here, but some days it's hard to feel like so much of myself is somewhere else.
Then we decided to refinance. Nothing big, but interest rates are low and we thought we could shorten our term for not much more money per month. In the process, we had to have our house appraised, and our appraisal came in lower than what we paid for it. A lot lower. And the realization hit, that we are here for the long term.
It's not that I had an exit plan. It's just hard sometimes. It would be comforting to know that we had an option of moving. But God hasn't given us that. Through this appraisal, God has very gently said to me: You are here.
One night last week I was having trouble going to sleep. Thoughts swirling, anxiety rising, sadness overwhelming me. And since I'm pregnant, I got up, came downstairs, and got a snack. I sat on the couch and wrestled with God.
I'm tired. I'm lonely. I'm hurt. I miss my family. I miss so many people.
And I felt God gently pressing back: You are here.
Even though Daniel's job is hard and sometimes takes him halfway across the world...
Even though you are lonely and hungry for community...
Even though your children are exhausting...
Even though you are beat up, tired, and hurt...
I have you here, and I am enough.
2 comments:
God has his plan, and as hard as it has been for me to sometimes accept that, I have. Love you, you are dong a great work there. You probably don't even realize what you mean to those around you. Both of you are very special people.
I am SO in this post. I keep waiting for an exit plan too. I don't know how long we're where we are... no house or even stable enough income... but clearly we're here for now. and I WRESTLE with wanting to know we'll be out soon. Back on that little island I miss so badly. Wanting you and Jess and Meredith and so many others... wanting MY parents in the same place. So thanks for this. Was just thinking I NEED to talk to Jill soon... soo... soon.
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