Four Months

I think you and your sister are conspiring.

Or, perhaps more aptly put, I think she is giving you some coaching on how to be a baby.

Maybe I have spirited baby genes. Or maybe I am the most (over)stimulating person on the planet. Whatever the case may be, you have become the spitting image of your sister at this age.

You don't like to cuddle. I try to hold you close to me to get you to calm down, but it seems to rev you up. You push away from me; you try to climb me with your feet. Let's face it--even though you're a baby, you're pushing twenty pounds. That makes you pretty hard to hang onto.

I try to put you in the crib. You scream. I pick you up. You scream. I put you back down. You WAIL. I can't console you. That's pretty demoralizing for a Mama. The pacifier works, but only until it falls out. And honestly, we did that with your sister, and slept in 40 minute spurts for 3 or 4 months. Not really wanting to go there again. Also not really wanting to let you "cry it out." So suck your thumb already, ok?

Whew.

Other than the sleep issues (which thankfully up to now are mostly getting-you-to-sleep issues, not keeping-you-asleep issues), you are a pretty fantastic little guy. You are very generous with smiles and coos. Only your sister rivals you in flirtatiousness. Speaking of Ava, you love her. Yesterday, you were screaming your head off, when I walked in with her on my hip. You took one look at her, immediately stopped screaming and commenced cooing. You two just giggle at each other. It's cute. Two peas in a pod, you are.

You are doing lots of new things--playing with toys, gumming things, grabbing your feet, rolling from belly to back (and working on the other way). I just can't get my mind around the fact that in just a few months you'll be eating solids, chattering, and most likely crawling. It just seems that you should be my little baby forever. But I guess I can't keep you small. Especially if you keep eating like you do.

So little one, happy four month birthday. I'm looking forward to a lifetime of watching you grow and change. I love you so much.

Mama

P.S. This picture makes me want to call you Bubba. Just sayin'.

Drama Queen

I get this face from her a lot. That particular one was because she was done with her peach and wanted down. "All done," she whined. "ahhhhh!"

Oops.

How I found her when I went to get her up from her nap yesterday:

July in Pictures

Here's what we've been up to:

Our picnic at the park with church.

The baby birds that took up residence in our dogwood. This is pretty much how they looked all the time. Mouths open. Begging for food. Reminds me of someone else I know.

Daddy date to the Palatine Family Aquatic Center.

He fell asleep with both hands like that on our walk. Didn't catch it before the other hand came down, but still pretty funny.

Double stroller? Not so much.

"Take a picture!"

Them.

The Gospel for Me

Do you ever feel like a screw-up? I do.

People tell me that I'm too hard on myself. I don't think I am. I am actually pretty sure that I am a screw-up. Things I hate about myself: I forget birthdays until they are upon me and forget to send cards. I procrastinate about everything. I fail to keep up with friends, even people I love a lot. I get angry/annoyed with my kids. I fail to serve them as I should. I care too much about what other people think of me, and not enough about what God thinks of me.

This is the short list. I've been reading Edward Welch's When People are Big and God is Small, and after the first two chapters, am pretty sure I'm going to need to spend the rest of my life in therapy. Problem is, these are all very real issues in my life that I need to repent of. It doesn't help to say, "Buck up! You're not that bad!" Why does sanctification have to be such a long and painful process?

Sometimes it all wells up and rears its ugly head. I try to pull myself up by my bootstraps and I do better for a while, then I fail again. And my sin starts to feel like it's shackled to me. Like it's going to own me for the rest of my life. Like I'm beyond hope. Beyond grace.

So I've been trying to preach the gospel to myself and let other people preach the gospel to me. The gospel that says I am a justified sinner, a royal screw up, loved by God, counted righteous by the blood of the Lamb who was slain. The gospel that says I am still loved by God even when I fail. That I can't earn his affection for me. That I am a beloved daughter. The gospel that says I am a new creation. That he's not finished with me, that by God's grace I don't have to stay shackled to my sin.

Am I the only one that finds this hard to believe? Too good to be true?

I struggle to find the right balance. I'm not okay. Neither is anyone. We are, all of us, screw-ups. But it's not okay to stay that way. Yes, I should accept God's grace, but should that be license to sin? By no means! Yes, I should try to do better, but does that mean I can earn God's favor? By no means!

So where does that leave me? How do I break out of the cycle of despair? As far as I can tell it comes down to repentance, to looking to Jesus for grace, and to living in response to his love (by the power of the Spirit, not my own power). The gospel meets us where we are and takes us to where we should be by the Spirit. In the gospel, we are forgiven by the Father we have sinned against and freed from the sin that keeps us bound up and broken. Praise be to God. The hard part is truly believing it.

Big Girl

Ava climbed out of her pack 'n play on Sunday afternoon, so we went ahead and put her in a big girl bed. We had been trying to wait until we could get a twin mattress from Daniel's parents' house, but since she figured out how to climb out of the crib, we figured something needed to be done. So we pulled the full size mattress out of the guest bedroom and put it on the floor. It's a good transition for me, I think. I'm glad she looks so tiny in it. I can't handle my baby girl growing up so fast.

On the Air

I mentioned a few weeks ago that we had a chance to visit Focus on the Family while we were in Colorado. In addition to having ice cream at Whit's End, we got to meet some of the creators/contributors to our favorite webzine, Boundless. We've been faithful readers for years; it was surreal to finally get to meet the people we've known only in cyberspace. While we were there, we got to talk about our courtship for their weekly "Boundless Show" podcast. If you would like to listen, it's available here or you can subscribe via iTunes.

Oh, and there may or may not be a guest appearance by everyone's favorite red-headed toddler.

Story of My Life

A friend of mine showed me this the other day, and said, "I feel like this is your life right now." And it is. Ava is hilarious and fun and generally great, but, boy, can she be demanding and exhausting. She says things over and over and over again until it is acknowledged, and if my attention is off her for a second, she makes sure that it is returned to her. Or else. But it's fun.

Mostly. :)

Progress

Greetings from the Potty Training trenches!

We've been up to our elbows in... Nevermind. Things are going fairly well (thanks to Daniel's mom's help this week!). Ava's still pretty laid back about the whole endeavor, not seeming to mind being wet or soiled much at all. BUT she loves sitting on the frog potty (because it's a frog, and because we read to her) and she loves getting rewarded with stickers (see above). She had been refusing to go #2, but yesterday, after I let her sit on the potty by herself for a few minutes, she went. And after tons of praise, hugs, stickers, and a few of these, she went again this morning. She still has accidents if we go longer than 30 minutes or so without sitting on the potty and she doesn't tell me when she needs to go, but she will usually go when I put her on the potty, so I'm feeling okay about our progress. We'll see how it goes now that Grandma is gone and I no longer have an extra pair of hands (why don't they give you one of those when you become a mom?)

Buddies

One of the more fun things about Ava getting older is watching her make friends and interact with other kids her age. We've had so much fun this summer doing play dates. It's been good for her, and good for the mama too.

With the other Ava. Her parents usually call our Ava "Ava Popp" to differentiate, so she now calls our Ava "Popp" or "Poppy." They are super cute together. (sidenote: it is really confusing to talk about both Avas in the same sentence).

A new friend, Nathan. He was so sweet to her--coaxing her into the yard to play, picking flowers and giving them to her. Daddy better watch out.