Awe Factor

Recently, I watched a video called The Awe Factor of God. In it, Francis Chan shows a series of images, starting at the earth, eventually zooming out to 100,000,000 light years way from us. I wasn't amazed so much at the images as the size of our universe. And we haven't even found its bounds. I don't believe we ever will. It put me in a reflective mood. My thoughts echoed this verse:

When I look at your heavens,
the work of your fingers,
the moon and the stars,
you have set in place,
what is man that you are mindful of him,
the son of man that you care for him?

~Psalm 8:3-4

I cannot even begin to comprehend what a speck I am in that whole universe. I can't help but wonder at my insignificance. This universe he created is just a taste of how great he is. He gave us this piece of creation which to us seems unbounded to make us ask: How much more? How much greater is God than even this? He fills the universe and is beyond it. If I cannot fathom the creation, how can I fathom my Creator? And how many galaxies are there that God created solely for his own pleasure?

The amazing thing is that he is mindful of us. We are created in his image--the Psalm later says that he "crowned [man] with glory and honor" and "put everything under his feet." He loves us, and in another Psalm, he uses the greatness of the universe to remind us of how great his love is to us:

For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is His steadfast love for those who fear Him.

~Psalm 103:11

How amazing that we serve a God who is not only boundless, but also has boundless love for his people.

A Little Break

Ava and I have been homebodies the past week and a half because we have been working so hard on getting her to take naps. We had a pretty good day, so I thought we would go to the park down the street and get some fresh air. Cuteness ensued:

"Hello, camera"

"Whee!"

"I wasn't just trying to put dirt in my mouth. Honest."

Sleeping Through the Night

I used to be a heavy sleeper. I would happily sleep through any disturbance--my alarm clock, Mom trying to shake me awake (I took a swing at her in my sleep once), the burglar alarm. It wasn't easy to wake me up.

Then I got pregnant. My body would wake me up several times a night (you ladies know why).

Then I had a baby.

I think I've kissed those days of sleeping through the night (and halfway through the day) goodbye. I have a momma body now. It springs out of bed automatically at Ava's slightest peep. I almost surprise myself with my reaction to her stirring. What force has taken control of my body that causes it to go vertical at the slightest provocation?

Last night, Ava did indeed sleep through the night. I'm glad for her. She is doing well, and is getting a lot more rest. But she is not a quiet sleeper. I decided that my momma radar is sharp enough that I could turn the baby monitor off. That helped some. But around about 2, then again at about 4, she let out some cries in her sleep. Up I went. I sneaked into her room to find her blissfully asleep. She had soothed herself. Good for her. Now I need to learn. I walked through the house and looked out the window to watch the rain falling hard on the ground, got a drink of water, and went back to bed.

A little while later, I woke up because my leg had fallen completely asleep. I got up and limped around for a bit. My body is just not used to sleeping all night anymore.

I got back in bed, and looked over to find Daniel lost in what seemed like miraculous sleep. I wonder what that's like.

Sleep Training

Ugh.

I Can Has Washcloth?

Hard Days

I know where I got the idealistic view of parenthood. I've seen so many couples with newborns. They seem so happy, well-rested, well-adjusted, and well, normal.

I don't feel very normal.

I'm sure their reality isn't too much different than mine. I deal with it as it comes. I'm not well- rested; I question myself all the time; when I think I am getting it figured out the game changes on me; I cry when I don't get my way (kind of like someone else I know...)

Now, don't get me wrong. I love my baby to pieces. She is adorable, sweet, fun to play with, generally a joy to be around, but this is not easy. I try to do what I think is best for her, but she doesn't agree with me. She doesn't want to sleep. She would rather scream. 4 out of the past 6 hours. I question myself: Does she have gas? Reflux? Is she going through a growth spurt? Is she teething? Is she just stubborn? I don't know. She tries to tell me in her screams. I just cry.

I'm sure there are great spiritual lessons to be found in days like this. I try to depend on God, but get frustrated when he doesn't answer my prayers in my time. Lord, please help her to go to sleep. She needs it so badly. Lord, give me the strength for this day, this hour. Lord, teach me to depend on you. Lord, humble me. I pray for these things, but I don't think I'm very teachable. Maybe I don't really ask in faith. There are plenty of mind games I can play with myself at 3 a.m.

I feel so much like I am being brought low. I am being taught that I don't know it all, and that I really can't do this on my own. But I'm not sure I know how to depend on him. I don't know how to put my hope in Him. My hopes are very easily dashed. It doesn't take very much crying in the middle of the night (or the middle of the day for that matter) to feel as though I've been abandoned. Maybe I'm being taught to persevere. Maybe he's chipping away at my stubborness, my self-reliance, my pride with each wail. I guess it remains to be seen. We don't always know the answers to these questions in our time. We don't always know them at all.

I'll end with some verses I've been leaning on pretty heavily today. It begins with a reminder of who God is, and ends with a promise of rest for the weary:

Have you not known?
Have you not heard?
The everlasting God, the LORD,
The Creator of the ends of the earth,
Neither faints nor is weary.
His understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the weak,
And to those who have no might He increases strength.
Even the youths shall faint and be weary,
And the young men shall utterly fall,
But those who wait on the LORD
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint.

~Isaiah 40:28-31

Some Days...

Some days you got it....

Some days you get your soul pureed and served to you in a melancholy milkshake.

Long night last night.

Bye

I try to start the homeschool class that I'm taking off with prayer every time. It's a privilege that I didn't have in public school. This morning's prayer sounded something like this:

"Dear Lord,

Thank you for this beautiful day and for bringing us here together. Help us to learn, to have good attitudes, and help my baby to go to sleep quickly.

Bye.

I mean, Amen."

A Losing Battle, Part 2.

Get the duct tape:

Yes, folks. That is the sleep positioner I spoke of earlier. It works well.

Conversations

Here's an excerpt from our "pick-up/put down routine today:

Ava: *little fussy noises*
Me: Ava, be quiet, go to sleep.
Ava: AAAA!
Me: AVA, be quiet, go...
Ava: AAAAAA!
Me: Ava, AVA, be quiet...
Ava: *raspberry*
Me: Ava, be...
Ava: AAAAAA!!!

Ah, mother-daughter bonding time.