Hard Days

I know where I got the idealistic view of parenthood. I've seen so many couples with newborns. They seem so happy, well-rested, well-adjusted, and well, normal.

I don't feel very normal.

I'm sure their reality isn't too much different than mine. I deal with it as it comes. I'm not well- rested; I question myself all the time; when I think I am getting it figured out the game changes on me; I cry when I don't get my way (kind of like someone else I know...)

Now, don't get me wrong. I love my baby to pieces. She is adorable, sweet, fun to play with, generally a joy to be around, but this is not easy. I try to do what I think is best for her, but she doesn't agree with me. She doesn't want to sleep. She would rather scream. 4 out of the past 6 hours. I question myself: Does she have gas? Reflux? Is she going through a growth spurt? Is she teething? Is she just stubborn? I don't know. She tries to tell me in her screams. I just cry.

I'm sure there are great spiritual lessons to be found in days like this. I try to depend on God, but get frustrated when he doesn't answer my prayers in my time. Lord, please help her to go to sleep. She needs it so badly. Lord, give me the strength for this day, this hour. Lord, teach me to depend on you. Lord, humble me. I pray for these things, but I don't think I'm very teachable. Maybe I don't really ask in faith. There are plenty of mind games I can play with myself at 3 a.m.

I feel so much like I am being brought low. I am being taught that I don't know it all, and that I really can't do this on my own. But I'm not sure I know how to depend on him. I don't know how to put my hope in Him. My hopes are very easily dashed. It doesn't take very much crying in the middle of the night (or the middle of the day for that matter) to feel as though I've been abandoned. Maybe I'm being taught to persevere. Maybe he's chipping away at my stubborness, my self-reliance, my pride with each wail. I guess it remains to be seen. We don't always know the answers to these questions in our time. We don't always know them at all.

I'll end with some verses I've been leaning on pretty heavily today. It begins with a reminder of who God is, and ends with a promise of rest for the weary:

Have you not known?
Have you not heard?
The everlasting God, the LORD,
The Creator of the ends of the earth,
Neither faints nor is weary.
His understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the weak,
And to those who have no might He increases strength.
Even the youths shall faint and be weary,
And the young men shall utterly fall,
But those who wait on the LORD
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint.

~Isaiah 40:28-31