He Already Paid for That

We were walking out the door for Ava's end of the year program when a look of horror spread across her face.

"Mom! I have to find my recorder! If I can't find it, you'll have to pay for it!"

I hadn't seen her recorder in over a month. Perhaps I had assumed she had returned it to her music teacher. Most probably, I hadn't thought about it at all.

"Sweetie, check your backpack. If it's not in there, we'll just have to leave. We're going to be late if we don't leave now!"

It wasn't there.

In the car, Ava kept pressing: "You'll have to pay for that."

I'm a failure. I can't keep up with anything.

"You'll have to pay for that."

Too many moving parts. Too many.

"You'll have to pay for that."

I'm drowning.

"You'll have to pay for that."

I snapped.

"Stop saying that! This is not my fault! I didn't know that you hadn't turned it in!"

Not my finest parenting moment.

***

I believe in grace. I believe in showing my kids the glorious, deep, unconditional grace of Jesus.

But I'm not him, and doing that proved to be more complicated than I once thought.

When we first got past the diapers and spit-up stage of parenting, I thought giving grace to my kids would mean forgiving them when they messed up and constantly pointing them back to the cross. And it is that.

But I think that's the easy part, because it mostly happens in what I call the "intentional" moments of parenting, when I have taken time to slow down, breathe deep, and pray through what I say to my kids.

What's harder to control is what leaks out of me when I'm stressed, hurried, and feeling guilty myself. In these situations, I'm liable to succumb to using the motherly device we all know and love--the guilt trip.

Late for church? It's because you couldn't find your shoe. Dirty house? Little animals! Lost recorder? You should have kept up with it.

In reality, we were late for church before we had children, our house was never spick and span, and I probably lost my recorder as a kid too.

It's not that my kids bear no responsibility in these situations; they just don't bear all of it. And when I try to make them bear the full weight of it, it crushes them.

Simply put, I can't give grace when I'm not living in it myself. If I'm not, I'll always be blame-shifting. I'll be trying to earn acceptance and approval and throwing guilt on whoever is most vulnerable.

Author Rachel Jankovic has written that as mothers, we are to "take the grace that God has extended to [us], and feed [our] children with it. Apply what you believe about God’s mercy and kindness and long suffering towards us, and pour it out to them."

Scripture reminds us that it's his kindness that draws up to repentance. At first glance, this is counter-intuitive. But really, who will confess sin to an angry, vindictive father? It's when we are confident of his acceptance that we are set free to confess our sins and turn from them. We don't have to blame-shift.

We can own our weaknesses and sins because we have confidence in a Savior who took them upon himself. I can live in grace and show it to my kids because he already paid for that.

***

Epilogue: Lest you misunderstand and think me a "cheap grace" person: I did talk to Ava's music teacher and verify that I, indeed, did not need to pay for that. ;)

Reflections on our Second Year of Homeschooling

It's mid-summer, and I'm far enough removed from the daily homeschooling grind to be able to reflect on last year. We had a great year in many ways. We are starting to get our feet under us; so much has improved since that crazy first year! I am far more at peace about our decision to homeschool and far more confident in the direction we are headed.

Here are a few brief reflections on the this second year of homeschooling:

Learning is embedded in the culture of our home. We are very intentional about much of the learning that happens here. But I am amazed how much the kids learn even when we have a more unstructured kind of day. They watch the critters and birds outside and identity them. They use their imaginations to apply the things they have learned. They study a globe or read a book about a famous person. They play strategic games and ask lots of questions. I really don't fear taking a day off because they still learn so much.

It's okay if our home school doesn't look exactly like the local elementary school. From time to time I wonder if I am doing them a disservice trying to balance homeschooling and caring for toddlers and maintaining order in the house. I wonder if they really should be in a school for 6 or 8 hours a day. The education of a child is a big thing to be responsible for; I certainly don't want to mess it up! But when I see them loving to learn and finding their passions and getting to enjoy being outside, I know that this is absolutely the right choice for our family and our kids. I know that it's okay that school only takes half a day. It's okay that they don't sit still during read aloud time. It's okay that I'm calling out spelling words while I do the dishes or doing Tim's Phonics lesson while I chop vegetables for dinner. It's okay.

Time is a gift. One of the most wonderful things about homeschooling is the time I get to spend with my kids and the time they have to play, create, move around, and go outside. Our days are certainly full, but we have a lot of freedom in what they are full of. I love that.

Reading aloud is the best. This has been the year that our kids made the jump to chapter books. We still read a lot of picture books too, but I have loved hearing our kids beg me to "keep going!" when I finish a chapter. We are usually reading two books at a time (aside from the reading we do for school): one that I am reading in the mornings and one that Daniel is reading at night. It's become a part of the culture of our family, and I love it.

A good routine makes a lot of learning possible. If last year was the year that we figured out our beliefs about homeschooling, this is the year we figured out how to actually do it. We spent a lot of time streamlining things around here and creating routines for everything from grocery shopping to getting ready in the morning. As a result, we accomplished so much more and our days were far less stressful.

Homeschooling is still a difficult choice; I'm constantly juggling the demands of school, the home, and our kids. We all have enjoyed it so much, though. There are still days that I want to throw in the towel, but those days are fewer and farther between now. I'm more able to maintain perspective. With a new co-op and a toddler that finally sleeps through the night, I'm excited about what this new year will bring. But still not quite ready for summer to be over. :)

A Letter to My Littles (On No Occasion in Particular)

Oh my littles,

It's been a while since I wrote any of you a letter. You all have kept me busy (the good kind of busy), and this space has suffered a bit. I got behind, felt guilty, and then gave up for a little while. I'm sorry, loves.

Since school is "out" for the summer (meaning, of course, that you will no longer stay inside) and it's nobody's birthday in particular, I thought I would scribble down this little missive in hopes of getting back on track by the time your birthdays come 'round again.

Ava,

You are seven. I can't believe how grown up you are. You just learned to ride a bike without training wheels. You decided that it was time, and by golly you didn't give up until you had mastered it. I don't think you cried at all during the whole process. Just got back on when you fell off until you didn't fall anymore. All of a sudden, you were riding down the street into the sunset all by yourself, and it seemed that you might just ride right off to college.

It's indicative of how you are growing, and I see it other ways too: how you  call your younger three siblings "the kids" and in the knowing way you say "mom" with two syllables when I'm just a little too silly.  I see it in the kinds of conversations we have and in your growing beauty. You are grappling with big questions and finding your way. 

Even though it's bittersweet, this growing up is beautiful to watch. I love watching you discover your passions. You appreciate beauty--in art, music, a good book, the natural world, or a frilly dress. You love to draw; I find little doodles on napkins and math homework and our little inbox is usually filled to overflowing with artwork. You love to read and you will do it anywhere--at the dinner table, the grocery store, or while you are brushing your teeth. You are making great strides at the piano, and I can tell that you love to play. You are bubbly and funny and wicked smart.

Love, my prayer for you is that your creativity, your love of learning, your curiosity would lead you to wonder at the world and the God who made it. I pray that he would use your many gifts for his glory.


Tim,

A few weeks ago, when I was fixing your hair for your Aunt Jen's wedding, I asked you to look at the light switch in the bathroom. It just happened to be the particular direction I needed you to face to get your part just right. I thought you might not find it the most interesting subject for your gaze, so I added sarcastically, "Because it's so interesting." You replied, "It's not interesting on the outside, but it's very interesting on the inside."

This is so much who you are: constantly thinking on how things work and finding things to wonder at that most people don't even notice. Your brain is methodical and literal. It's like you are taking the world apart and putting it back together in your head. I wish I could see the world through your eyes. I'm glad I get glimpses.

You are going to be in kindergarten this year. I'm not even sure what that means, considering you've been tagging along with Ava educationally the past two years. You love math, and ask to do it frequently. In fact, to calm you down, we ask you math facts. You also love handwriting and phonics. You are reading better all the time. I love watching you learn.

You are learning (sometimes slowly) to protect your sisters. You will often nobly grab a shoe to squash any offending bugs. You are very sweet and also very passionate.

I pray that you will grow in faith and in wisdom and that you would possess a gentle strength that would one day bless your future family.

Genevieve,

You are the most likely of this crew to tell me out of the blue how much you love me. You are also the mostly likely to declare that you are never going to speak to me again.

That never lasts for long. You are chatty and affectionate and never very far from my side. You love nothing better than to snuggle down in my lap and enjoy a good book together.

You are three, and perhaps strong-willed even for your age. You know what you like, and how you like it. You are passionate about horses and the color purple. You love baby dolls and ballet and all things frilly and girly. With a side of superhero.

Have I mentioned that you're passionate?

My dear, you possess a strength of spirit that I pray God would bend and use for his kingdom. You feel deeply. We pray all the time that God would make you passionate about the right things.

Clara,

When you were around four or five months old and were reliably able to hold up your head, we started to play a game with you. Your Daddy or I would take you and peak your little body around the corner and wait for the other little people to discover you. We called it a "Clara Bomb," and it was always funny.

In time, we realized how appropriate this little game was. You are a little joker, and you do this type of thing all the time. Your daddy pointed out that you are a little "photo bomb" for life. Wherever we are, you are somewhere on the fringes doing something crazy and hilarious. You are always popping out from funny places. You seem to delight in surprising us. Since we homeschool, I suppose we could call you the "class clown."

You love to make people smile, and you're good at it. Most of the things you say are said through giggles. We get you up in the morning, you giggle. We give you a snack, you giggle. Someone comes over for a visit, you giggle. You are such a joyful child, and you add so much joy to our days.  We are having fun getting to know you and are looking forward to hearing the hilarious things you'll say when you're just a little older. 

For you I pray that you will come to know Jesus early, and until then, that my love for you would be like a mirror, reflecting his love for you.

To all of you--Raising you is hard work. I get flustered sometimes. But I want you to know--I hope you know--how much I delight in you. I love getting to be here with you, watching you learn and grow and find your passions. It's a privilege. So is being your mama.

I love you always. No matter what.

Mama

This is How We Do It: Vacation!

This post is part of a link-up my friends Lori and Ashley are hosting. I'm a little late to the party, but you can view that link-up here and here.

***

I am a bit of a homebody. I like to have fun as much as anyone, but I tend to enjoy staying close to home, doing things like swimming, visiting museums, and going on bike rides. I like having adventures within the confines of our own routines (e.g. I like to be home for naps and bedtime).

Homebody, meet Adventurer.

That little speck is him.

My husband likes to go new places, see new things, even if it means that we get out of our normal routine and have to squish all of us in one room overnight.

He is good for me.

I love that he pushes me to do things outside what is easiest and most comfortable for me. I think staycations are awesome (and sometimes needed), but he pushes me to go places and do things that I wouldn't otherwise. And those times traveling with our kids and experiencing new things together have been (and will be) some of our best memories together.

This is how we do it:

Location, location, location.

We really like being outside, and our vacation choices reflect that. Here are some places we've visited (and a few we hope to!)

Texas and Missouri--Our families are both out of town, so we spend quite a bit of our vacation time traveling to visit either Texas (my parents) or Missouri (his parents). When at my parents in Dallas, we visit cousins, go to museums, get peaches (when in season), play at parks, and see friends.

Us having fun at the Perot Museum in Dallas

Daniel's parents live on a farm, so there, we ride the tractor, the 4-wheelers, walk around in the corn, and go down to the river.

Colorado--Both Daniel and I love the mountains, and we grew up going to family camp every year at Horn Creek Conference Grounds in the Sangre de Cristo range. We went different weeks our whole lives, and finally met when we were summer staffers there. It holds many, many special memories for us. We have been a few times since we had kids, but it is an 18-hour drive from our house (as the Google maps), so we will probably wait a couple years until we do it more regularly.

Horn Peak, home of Horn Creek!

Michigan--A couple years ago, some sweet friends offered us the use of their vacation home in Michigan. We had a blast! It was such a mix of rest and fun (which was nice because I was 8 months pregnant!). We picked raspberries, played on the beach, went to Sleeping Bear Dunes. I'm a bit of a beach snob (we lived in Hawaii for five years, after all!), but I was pleasantly surprised how wonderful Lake Michigan's beaches are. The water was clear, shallow, and warm (perfect for wading and splashing) and the sand was clean (perfect for sand castles!). We had so much fun, we decided to go back this year. We reserved a place in Petoskey through AirBnB because we love to ride bikes, and there are lots of bike paths and trails to choose from. My folks are coming too, which makes it extra awesome!

We have lots of other places on our list for when our kids are older, like The Smokey Mountains, Assateague Island (I loved the Marguerite Henry books as a kid), Washington, D.C., and maybe New York City.

The Packing. 

I'm not sure that there is a task that my particular brain is less suited for than packing. I have a hard time keeping track of the things that can be packed ahead of time, the things that need to packed the morning of, the things that need to be packed but are sitting wet in the washer. But, I find that it helps a lot to have a checklist. I have a reusable one that I use for road trips in an app called Paperless. I just go through the list, select the things I need, and check off the items as I gather them up. It helps a lot not to have to figure it out each time!

Road Tripping 

Since airfare + minivan rental are not in our budget, we pretty much drive everywhere now (I sometimes fly to Texas with children #3 and #4, but that's logistically complicated and uninteresting, so I'll spare you).

Our older kids especially are great travelers; Daniel recently did a 15 hour trip in one shot and stopped a total of three times. The little ones are doing better than they used to, but still have a hard time past about three or four hours.

We do have some tricks and tips that help get through those hours, though.

Books--Our kids love to read/look at books. Ava will read anything on the road now; I pack her novels, picture books, and comic books (she's partial to Mutts and Calvin and Hobbes). I also try to get new Look-and-Finds at the library for the pre-readers, and I always pack the Books That Make Noise for the littlest ones. Because listening to Elmo beckoning my child to use the potty is better than screaming, amiright? A dish tub like the one below works well for books because it is not so wide that it blocks the buckles for their seat belts.

Coloring & Toys--I usually keep a bag of activities which include coloring books, sudoku puzzles, crayons, (markers always turn bad, see below) and toys that are one piece (like bead mazes, puppets, and latch puzzles).

Unsanctioned (but fun!) Activity

Audiodrama and Audiobooks- Our kids LOVE Adventures in Odyssey. We have been gifted a lot over the years, so we have a pretty solid collection, but we also get new ones from the library. (If you're new to Odyssey--this set and this set are a great place to start!). We have also enjoyed the Radio Theatre Chronicles of Narnia Series (though they are more suitable for older kids). On our trip to and from Texas, we listened to Winnie-the-Pooh (this version had different voices for all the characters, and was highly enjoyable). The kids also really enjoyed Pippi Longstocking (we listened to the entire thing twice!).

"iBag"--We haven't historically watched movies in the car. This last trip though, I jerry-rigged a plastic bag (mine was one of those bags that sheets come in), cut a hole for the auxiliary cable, and mounted it with the iPad in between the front two seats. We were making a two day drive, and it helped so much to let them watch a movie when (especially) the little ones started to get restless.

Craft Caddy turned Lunch Caddy--I got these little caddies for a dollar each in the Target One Spot. They are the perfect size for little lunches--either kids meals or homemade "momables." They make lunch on-the-go a lot easier. I use them around town quite a bit too!

Pulley System--We have a minivan, which means that my oldest two kids are WAY back there. A couple of years ago, I happened upon this idea for a pulley system to get things back to them. It works wonderfully. It keeps me from having to turn around so much (which is good because I get carsick), and also from nailing my son in the head with a sippy cup (again. Sorry, Buddy).

Totally staged these pictures! 

Date it up!--Once we are in the car, Daniel and I usually have some time to talk while the kids listen to Odyssey or nap. We often use these times to talk about the bigger picture--how to respond to what the kids are struggling with, planning for whatever new season we're coming into. It's kind of like a really long date. Punctuated by demands of "WA-WA!" Hey, you take what you can get, right?

When We Get There 

Once we get to wherever we are going, we try to strike a balance of fun and relaxation. Vacations need to be restful for us, but we don't want to loaf around the whole time either. We go on adventures, but also spend time doing more low key activities, like playing games (Did I just say that games were low-key? In my house?). In short, we do stuff that satisfies the Homebody and the Adventurer. The goal of vacation for us is to pause from the everyday, spend time together, and make memories.

Catching Pancakes at Horn Creek

Hike Date

Mountain Meadows

Lincoln Logs!

Dirt Bikes in Michigan

S'mores!

That's how we do it! How do you?

This is How We Do It: Dinner Time and Freezer Cooking

This post is part of a link-up that my friends at The Boutelle Family Blog and Grace Mountain Diaries are hosting. You can find that link-up here and here.

Take one toddler just woken from nap, add pinch of preschooler coloring appendages with marker. Mix in one always hungry boy who probably needed a nap but didn’t take one. Add one living room in dire need of clean-up and dinner in need of cooking. Stir and let simmer.

Result: Grumpy Soup.

That hour before dinner can be crazy, and I struggled with it for a long time. It seemed that I was in high demand and short supply. Mostly, I just felt like I needed more hands.

I had tried to use the crockpot in the past without much success. I was forever forgetting to set out meat to thaw, and it always seemed that I needed to be putting things on right when our naptime routine was happening. I also always struggled to find recipes that work for my gluten-free, dairy-free (and mostly sugar-free) diet.

When our fourth child was born, some dear friends arranged meals for us. One of those friends brought me a crockpot freezer meal. I made it, and it was so easy. I just stuck the ingredients in crockpot, turned it on, and walked away.

Amazing.

I started fiddling with recipes and tried to prep meals on the weekends, but found it hard to get into a groove. I still felt like I was always cooking.

Then I was talking to my Dad one night, and he said something to the effect of: “You should just always double what you’re cooking. It’s more efficient that way.”

As I thought more about it, I realized that there are three or four meals that we have almost every week (without complaint—they are family favorites). With that much repetition in our meal plan, it was a much better use of my time to quadruple those recipes (adding in a few other things for variety). This meant I would only have to do heavy meal prep once a week.

So, each week when Ava was at co-op (and I wasn’t homeschooling), I would make a big batch of something. After a few weeks of doing this, I had a stockpile, and most nights I could just pull something out and re-heat it, maybe quickly cooking a veggie or some rice or noodles.

Dinner is (Almost!) Served

This has been revolutionary.

Most of what needs to be done I can now do one-handed (which is necessary when that little one wants to be held). It frees me up to supervise and help the kids more with the chores they need to do and allows me to even be outside with them some in the evening (which in turn helps me to actually see my neighbors). It has also helped us eat dinner at a normal time, which keeps their bedtimes from getting too late. Things can still get a little hectic, but I don’t get nearly as stressed out during the witching hour.

Long story short, Grumpy Soup is no longer on the menu.

This is How We Do It: Quiet Time

Rest is vital to our spiritual, emotional, and physical health, but It can be hard to know how to do it in this stage of life. Because of this, it is important to encourage each other in it. Toward that end, my friends Lori and Ashley are hosting a link-up today (which you can find here and here).

***

All mothers know that there is not really a time that belongs solely to us. We steal moments when we can, even get out for coffee from time to time. But we are always on call. And particularly in the little years, our children need us constantly.

I love being with my kids. As a stay-at-home mom, I get to be with them almost all the time. I love reading with them, building Legos with them, hearing the funny things they say. I love talking about life and faith with them and watching them discover the world. This time is a gift. They are a gift.

But they are still almost always with me. And that is hard.

I am summoned out of bed at early-o'clock after spending half the night on the floor of my toddler's room. I make breakfast, oversee chores, and read aloud. I make smoothies and grilled cheese, and fill sippy cups with milk. I lay toddlers down for rest and teach the older ones to read and spell and add. I have some tea and try not to fall asleep.

There are no lulls in my day.

Eventually, I would like to get up early. I hope to, but in this stage, I just can't. I badly need the sleep.

So I sneak time. I hide in the bathroom in morning and read the Psalms, rock the baby at nap time and read the epistles. I highlight, re-copy, and try to meditate. I write verses on a dry-erase board to be smudged by little fingers. I whisper breath prayers and beg for help when my strength is spent and I am anxious and I want to quit.

I don't know if this enough. My soul is thirsty and I am weary.

I don't know if this is enough, but I know this: the Lord is with me.

I know that his word is living and active, and wherever I encounter it, it encourages and strengthens me. He meets me in the bathroom, the rocking chair, in my devotional time with my kids, or in a well-timed text from a friend.

I know that he hasn't hit "pause" on my spiritual growth just because I'm busy doing the work he gave me to do.

I know that he cares for me, giving me soul rest when physical rest is hard to come by.

I know that he loves me, and he never lets go of me.

And when my children need me constantly, I remember that I am His child too, and He will give me what I need.

Respite.

Have you ever been swimming or running or hiking and gotten so caught up in the activity that you didn't realize how tired you were? Often I find that in these types of activities, it's not until I come in and sit down that the exhaustion really hits.

These past few weeks have been a sprint. Daniel had a deadline (which means he was working a lot more hours than normal), our kids got the stomach flu (again), I started teaching a unit study at Ava's enrichment program, and then there's just the normal, everyday care, feeding, and educating of four kids. I was getting anxious, and my temper was growing short. I don't think I realized how desperately I needed a break.

And then my in-laws offered to take the older two kids for the week. Last Saturday, Daniel took all four kids (bless him) and met his parents in Springfield. I had a full day to myself.

I had planned to accomplish my entire to-do list that day (when will I have another day in my house without interruption?!), but I sat down to have some breakfast and read for a bit almost fell asleep in my eggs. I heeded a good friend's advice and took a long nap.

Daniel returned that night with the two little ones, and I spent the week with just them. I am feeling refreshed.

This week, I cuddled and read with my three year old. I tried (and failed) to teach my toddler to go to sleep by herself. I took some naps. I had a quiet time that didn't take place in a toddler's bedroom or in the bathroom. I defrosted our fridge and sorted through the mounds of baby clothes. I was by myself a little. I needed that.

This week felt like a week of jubilee (is that a thing?). I thought about sabbath and about the rest that Jesus gives to his weary sheep (even when sleep is still, shall we say, less than optimal). I remembered that my identity is not in my doing, but what has been done for me. This week, the Lord restored me. I am thankful.

This is How We Do It: Meal Planning and Grocery Shopping

This post is a bit of a departure for me; I don't often blog about the practical parts of what I do, mostly because I've always felt like I'm not that good at the practical parts of my "job." At least the parts that have to do with organization and planning. But my friends Lori and Ashley are hosting a link-up, and I thought it would be fun to share ideas and encourage one another.

Historically, I've been a "fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants" type when it comes to meal planning (well, actually when it came to a lot of things). My approach was a mixture of keeping staples on hand that I knew I could make a meal with and sometimes making a grocery list as I wandered the aisles of Target or Joe Caputo's. It mostly worked for us, but I found myself having to run to the grocery store a lot for missing ingredients. This was annoying, but we could do it.

But a couple of things have changed in my life.

1. We now have four kids, and it's no longer as easy to load up and run errands all the time.

2. We started homeschooling, which means I don't have as much flexibility in my day as I used to have. Because you know, they have to be learning stuff.

All that said, we needed more of an organized plan.

I am a big believer in checklists. In fact, we have checklists for lots of things around here. I'm not sure if it's seven years of sleep deprivation or ADHD, but my ability to forget things is astonishing.

For a while, I used an app called paperless for grocery shopping. It allows you to create reusable checklists. The benefit to this system was that I virtually never lost my grocery list. The downside is that I could only sort grocery lists alphabetically, which meant I was often wandering all over the store. In the end, I discovered that I'm more of a paper-and-pencil girl when it comes to planning, so a few months ago I made an excel document that has almost all the things we buy regularly, including food, household, and toiletry items, sorted by category.

Now I leave one of these in my notebook-that-holds-my-life (aka homeschool planner) all week, noting the things we are running out of. Then at the end of the week, I sit down and fill in meals for the following week, and go through my checklist, highlighting the things we need for those meals.

I don't tend to plan specifically for breakfasts, snacks, and lunches. I just have a list of things we typically eat, and how much of those things we go through each week (for instance, I know that we need 3 dozen eggs, 2 big bags of frozen fruit, 3 loaves of bread, 3 quarts of yogurt, etc. )

For me one of the benefits of doing it this way instead of on my phone is that I don't feel like I spend all my time scrolling. I am able to see at a glance almost everything I buy, and I just highlight the items I need (I color-code by store).

Then I take my trusty clipboard (yes, I know) to the store and get shopping. I tend to grocery shop on Saturdays, because we are homeschooling all week and even though our mornings are somewhat flexible, it's almost impossible for errands not to completely derail our day.

Also, as fun as this is:

Things just go faster if I'm by myself.

The half-hour of planning I do at the beginning of the week helps things run so much more smoothly throughout the week. I'm not running out of things all the time, making last minute trips to the store, or buying a lot of food I don't need. It also saves money because the less I go to Target, the less this happens:

Most importantly, it helps me love my kids better, because, let's face it, they don't love the grocery store, and time is a very limited commodity these days. I'd rather be reading to them or going to the park instead of running to the store 3 or 4 times a week because mommy is forgetful.

And that, my friends, is how we do it. :)

***

If you'd like a copy of my grocery checklist, feel free to grab it here. I left it an excel file so you could edit it for your own purposes. 

Today He Has Delivered Me

Often when I am up in the night rocking my wee ones, a word comes to me. It hangs over me, stirs up anger or despair, steals my hope, and follows me into the next day:

Impossible.

In these moments, I'm tempted to shake my fist at God for how hard this is. Because these years of mothering little ones have been years of joy, but also of loneliness, exhaustion, and longing.

Over the summer, I just felt raw. I was unusually emotional, and even little setbacks felt huge. I was losing my temper with my kids and struggling with anxiety in a way I hadn't in a long time.

I found myself complaining a lot when people asked how I was. Last night was rough. I am tired. I am burnt out.

I was being honest. I was being authentic.

I was being that mopey person no one wants to be around.

So I started reading the Psalms. And they are honest about how hard life is, but they talk a lot about who God is and how He hears us and how He delivers us. And as I read, I was reminded of the hundreds of ways he has delivered me when my strength was spent and my emotions gave way.

And then I read this:

I have told the glad news of deliverance in the great congregation; behold, I have not restrained my lips, as you know, O LORD.
I have not hidden your deliverance within my heart; I have spoken of your faithfulness and your salvation; I have not concealed your steadfast love and your faithfulness from the great congregation. (Psalm 40:9-10)

I was convicted, because although life is exhausting and difficult, God is ever faithful. And that is why honesty and authenticity are beautiful. I can say, "I'm struggling, and God is holding me up." That is his power made perfect in weakness. That puts praise on my lips and the lips of the saints, because it reminds us of God's character and his faithfulness to his people.

So I will say, today he has delivered me. Tomorrow, he will again. He is my help when this task feels impossible. He is strong, He is near, and He is good.

The Places Where I Sow

I have a small garden. We are growing tomatoes and peppers and strawberries. I had dreams of a kitchen garden, but Daniel thought we should prove ourselves on a few plants first. It's good because I'm a terrible gardener. The whole thing has gone wild. I never staked our tomatoes, and now they are heavy with fruit and splayed across the whole business, overshadowing our poor berries. I forget to water. Even so, we have a few heirloom tomatoes to show for our meager efforts.

This garden, it is enough. I think it is only really alive because the kids enjoy watering it (and each other, coincidentally). If it were solely under my care, it would probably be dead already because the only things I feed in this house are the things that ask to be fed. Loudly.

I can't do many things well right now. My world has shrunk down to my own little house and my own little people. It's hard for me, because I dream big. I want to start ministries and learn to counsel and walk with the hurting and host a community group. I want to fill every need I see. I often forget that I am a limited person in a very demanding stage of life.

Truth is, I haven't the capacity to start a ministry, host a community group, or (sadly) even be part of one. I can, however, do the things I'm passionate about in smaller, deeper ways. I can faithfully and sacrificially love my kids. I can open my door for a friend or a neighbor. I can share a cup of tea in the midst of Legos and broken crayons and cries of "Mama!" I can send texts of encouragement to friends and arrow prayers to Jesus. I can rejoice with good friends around a table while our kids run wild in the backyard. All of this is ministry. And all of it happens in and around what God has me doing in my own home.

What I'm finding is that often the most important things I do appear to be the smallest. And ministry often looks like faithfulness in my own little garden.

So I try to love my littles and my neighbors, and I trust that God will bring a harvest in the small places where I sow.