There's laundry in the dryer that needs to be folded, and another load mildewing in the washer, but I'm choosing to let it sit for a little while longer. My excuse is that I have to actually leave the house and go into our neighbor's back yard to collect it, and it's raining. Hard. Who wants to carry their clean dry clothes in the rain?
The real reason, though, is that I need some company. Most of you are far away, but writing has made me feel connected to you. Like I'm not alone. It's hard to be here by myself sometimes. I don't resent Daniel for being gone. I am so thankful for his hard work that provides for us and allows me to be here full-time to love Ava. It's the most important job I have been given. To love her, and someday to teach her about God's love.
But some days I just want someone to stand next to me, hold my hand, and say, "You're doing the right thing. You're a good mom." If you've read the blog at all, you know that we've been trying to teach Ava how to sleep. You'd think that that program would come preloaded, but alas, you have to create it yourself. There are lots of books that claim to help, claim that if you do their regimen for just three days you will have a baby that loves naptime, but they lie.
I shouldn't be so dramatic. Ava is sleeping through the night. The books have helped some. She does sleep one way or another. She can't help it. Eventually she has to sleep. My concern is really the amount of crying required to get her there. I just don't know how much longer I can take it.
I'm not annoyed with it. It just breaks my heart. She cries and cries and cries. I've tried everything. I pick her up, she screams louder, arches her back and bangs her head into my collar bone. I leave her in the crib and sing to her, and she looks up at me in desperation and wails. I keep thinking, maybe I'm just not waiting long enough. So I try to comfort her a little longer. And she gets inconsolable. She screams so hard she coughs and makes herself sick. So I end up nursing her. And then that's all she wants after that.
We've been at this for a month. Our regimen seemed to be working at first. Things seemed to have settled down and it was looking like a normal routine was possible. But she wasn't a good soldier. She rebelled, and now I feel like I'm the one in boot camp.
Does this get better? Somehow, I believed things would be straightened out by now. I'm mostly asking for reassurance here. Maybe there's none to give. Things will get better when they do.
Any thoughts are welcome. Mostly, just thanks for listening.
3 comments:
I know what you mean about feeling a little alone during the day! Sometimes a little adult interaction seems like it would cure anything. Mena's been having some trouble with napping lately too...she was doing really well, but now she refuses to sleep. The last couple of days I've gotten a whopping 1/2 hour of a nap out of her, while spending 2-3 hours trying to get her to sleep!
I'm sure it will get better though, they aren't babies forever, right? :)
- Maggie
Jill,
Praying for you. And listening, too. I'm too spent from a rough day myself to offer much encouragement, except to say that you already are showing her God's love, by taking the very best care of her, and being with her. She "sees" Jesus in you. And although she may behave like a little squirrel sometimes :), she's a gift. It will get better. It may be a couple of months, but it will. And then you'll come to the mainland for Christmas, and things will go haywire again...Just kidding...Maybe.
Much love, Corrie
you're a good mom Jill. A great mom in fact. Your patience, love, perseverance, and sense of humor with Ava is a source of endless encouragement for me with my own little screamer :)
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